Strange and wonderful things

13 Jun

I’m having a hard week. I want to wallow and grouch. But I just caught up on Glee and I learned:

1. Don’t try to build a relationship with a teenage daughter you gave up for adoption even if you want to and she wants to and you live in the same town.

2. Do try to get out of a funk.

So let’s look at things that made me smile recently.

Misinterpreting our order for “pancakes,” the kitchen made “mickey-mouse pancakes.” The ears were on the house!

A dead lizard was discovered in the trunk of a car that has not been south of Ohio for five years. It remains.

Fresh golden baby spiders.

Fresh golden baby human.

This little dog.

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Proof.

12 Jun

What a bunch of asterisks!

11 Jun

You! Let’s try this thing again (again). I’ll go first. I moved to northern Virginia last weekend. After spending two months touring the Great Lakes region (Milwaukee! Chicago! Ann Arbor! Buffalo!) I now live in the greater DC area.

So far, outside of work, the only people I really interact with are mechanics and rental car associates, because of course I spend all of my free time getting my car to and from the mechanic. We have been to the mechanic twice. Tomorrow I will have lived here SEVEN days.*

So anyway, one of my pals in the rental car industry, a native of northern VA, told me that people from around here have a reputation for being unfriendly. I didn’t know that people from the greater DC area had a reputation for anything except for sitting in traffic and wearing suits, but now everyone seems impatient and irritated.** They are visibly disinterested in the second half of my sentences. Sometimes they answer their phones instead. So thanks for coloring my perception of this place with a fat black crayon, Doug from Enterprise. I am impressionable. Yes I will consider buying a used rental car from you. This pitch you are making sounds quite reasonable.***

*This car is ruining my life and holding me hostage but I don’t want to go into the details because I know you’re just going to turn on me for staying in this abusive relationship so long, when what I really need is a hug and three cold beers.

**I want to tell you about an exception: my new personal Armenian banker with the sculpted face manages to be both heartbreakingly earnest and super hot. Each time we bank, he says “I hope I have provided you with five star service” and I know if I asked him to take off his shirt he would do it. Everyone please send me small, shady-looking personal checks that I will have to enter the bank to cash.

***However, I will have to consult my personal Armenian banker first.

In which Barack Obama proposes marriage

23 Mar

Do you share my deep concern about this highly networked life we lead — that I can only tell a joke one time?

Analog revival

14 Mar

Many months ago I put the blog aside to focus on achieving a job. Many months later, my unemployment still looms and there is but a sliver of internet television I have not seen. I lost my way.  Let’s just start the healing.

There is plenty to catch you up on (like Seasons 1-2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I have a crush on Xander.), but let’s start with the best thing about 2010 so far: the mail addressed to me. Beautiful packages and they’re all mine.

Exhibit A

Hemingway. Who knit that tiny sweater? Probably his first wife while he was out getting drunk with his second wife. Artists can be such assholes.

Exhibit B

A Venn diagram. An Agatha Christie mystery (poor, sensitive Hastings). And a sweater for my French press! Cinnamon Tingle’s package was perfectly timed. I had been meaning to do something nice for my French press because it is so good to me. I wasn’t so hot at making coffee in the recent past, which I now surmise was the only thing between me and a caffeine addiction. But then Heidi came into my life for five glorious months and she taught me the secret of adulthood. This morning, like every morning, I experienced near-paralysis as I lay in bed and tried to coach myself up and into the kitchen to put the kettle on and prepare the cup that will end my suffering. It’s such a long walk.

Exhibit C

So far my studies revealed that Satan tried to tempt Christ with a powerboat, but Christ had none of it.

A this picture on page 43…

reminds me of this picture:

Exhibits D-G

Postcards + one cute note from my parents that came with gaiters. I did enjoy my winter walks. One day I came across this adorable scene. One snowperson conducting an enthusiastic chorus of snowpeople.

And the very next day, I rounded the bend and everyone’s ass had been kicked. Did Glee teach you nothing?

Exhibits E-F

Cats and dogs. In which my born-cool cousin invites me to Santa Barbara. Do you have a cousin in Santa Barbara?

Exhibit G

A drawing from another cousin. I think that’s a penguin in the box.

Exhibit H

Fitflops! After a few weeks in these, I’m supposed to be able to push a grocery cart in hot pants.

I’m buried in love here. I know it and my postal carrier knows it.

It’s Thursday.

19 Nov

(Original image courtesy of Radio Loveless.)

You were such a BIG baby.

16 Nov

It’s my favorite time of year… that magic window when we’re both the same age.