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Who and a hat?

22 Feb

[It’s so quiet and damp and dark around here. Why not hit publish on something that’s been sitting in the draft folder for nearly a year. You miss this stuff, right?]

Last month I left my beautiful, charming, and wholesome friends in Iowa to move in with my sister in Michigan while I get my ducks in a row. My ducks have been acting up. One of my final acts before packing up was to kick back with two of my favorites for margaritas and Camera Obscura. It did not take long for me to lock onto the guitarist with his matte balding head + general broadness. It’s my most basic formula. Then he used a microphone to reveal his Scottish brogue and I got so excited I punched Jason (of the socks). His name is Kenny. Let’s look at his profile on the band’s site.

I am charmed by his current favorite animals and now I’ve been reading AE Housman all morning [Kenny has since swapped AE Housman for a sexy poem about strawberries]. Here’s one that should set you in the right mood for Monday. Make sure you read it in a Scottish voice.


Yonder see the morning blink:
The sun is up, and up must I,
To wash and dress and eat and drink
And look at things and talk and think
And work, and God knows why.

Oh often have I washed and dressed
And what’s to show for all my pain?
Let me lie abed and rest:
Ten thousand times I’ve done my best
And all’s to do again.

Roll over! Stay home! Sunday up with Hitchcock instead. [Sunday up. A typo or a new phrase I was trying out?]

And now the hat. Remember?

While wearing this hat, I have received compliments such as “That hat is so lumpy!” Totally worth $4. I edited the picture to look like binocular vision because the picture was taken before a run and Meg and I have been listening to an audiobook I scored mid-roadtrip for $2 in which ladies spurn their lovers’ early-morning advances to go running and then the ladies get brutally raped AND lose an eye. So that’s been on my mind. Binocular plotting.


He’s tanner than I thought he would be.*

5 Mar

It was 68 degrees in Iowa today. Maybe hotter. Too warm for any of my freshly dry-cleaned cashmere blends. I have no sweater to share. Instead, I give you Bordain and his meat stick, dedicated to Diana, who is also hot for him, and courtesy of The Rogue Baker who emailed it to me (perhaps he doesn’t want credit).


*Do you think this is photoshopped? I’m not familiar with his tattoos but those are definitely his feet.

Before Obama was President…

4 Feb

The second annual eBay Secret Santa Gift Extravaganza happened again and I’m ready to talk about it. I chose Mike, a scientist, to draw the names for us and I received this email:

Dear Joanna,
I have been appointed to be an independent and unbiased coordinator of your Secret Santa event!  Or as it is known in Ireland, “Chris Kindle”, or in Spain, “Amigo Invisible”.
Your assignment:  Wendy
Have fun!

Disclaimer (per Wikipedia):
“A Secret Santa event in a mixed-gender setting can often be marred by the anonymous provision of inappropriate gifts with the potential to cause embarrassment to the recipients. Typical gifts of this nature include many inappropriate objects, such as inflatable penises, dildos and pubic shampoo…”

He kills me.

My bidding did not go well. My plan was to force archivnoten into participating in Sweater Thursday on Christmas day but I don’t think my gift arrived until 2009. Hoping to get something there in time, I bought a placeholder gift but I accidentally chose an international seller and it arrived even later. Anyway, I blew it. I’ll let her tell you about her gifts, as per the user end agreement which I am just now getting around to upholding.
My Santa was Whitney, as scrawled upon the box.


A life-size glass head! How unexpected!

I emailed the seller to confirm receipt and asked WTF is this glass head? His reply:

Good Morning Joanna ,

THANKS for letting me know it arrived in good condition ! The glass head was intended as a display head for commercial use – that is why it is the anatomically appropriate size. We use them to display eye glasses.  Others have used to display hats. These are the more common uses. However, here on Ebay people have been more creative. Some people have filled them with items; one person used a low wattage bulb to make a lamp (not recommended); sold a number of them to an Army Officer who made a memorial homage to his fallen men.  If you or anyone else can use more, please let me know and we can save you money on combined shipping and purchase of more – especially case lots.

The head was obviously a plea for the return of last year’s feature – Who Would I Do and a Hat. Who am I to deny the people?

The hat: I’ve been into all shades of gray lately, if one can be into grays. You can roll up the brim if you want to but I like to wear it TALL.
The do: Chef Anthony Bourdain of the Travel Channel’s No Reservations.

He’s undeniably an aged version of The Moderatalist, minus the Midwestern charm, the physique, and the clean lungs. I bet he doesn’t eat tuna out of the can like David does, but same thick roiling curls. Same lanky gait. (Same ear piercing.)

Tony has a blog and one of his posts is titled the same as one of mine! A common reference to a shared pop culture? No way. It’s a promising sign of our shared future, traveling the globe, exchanging irreverent, witty banter.

Less promising? He hates vegetarians. I can change.

Here he is eating squeevilskweasel.

Emma, you fool

6 Apr

I just saw Bon Iver. Having been warned that they had the stage presence of corrugated cardboard, my expectations were low. But they rocked. They rocked! In fact, by El Scorcho’s description, I’m not convinced he actually saw Bon Iver. I didn’t detect any overt Swedishness, main man Justin Vernon played several guitars, and it was easy to understand him. I may be biased because I want to jump the drummer, Sean Carey, but I don’t think so. They were good. My favorite song was The Wolves (Act I and II) because it ended with an instrumental freak out, with a particularly athletic performance on the drums. I might as well turn this into an installment of who would I do and a hat. Sean Carey, I would do you. Come back to Iowa City soon. I have a hunch you smell good. I’ll make you pancakes. Even your name is hot. Sean Carey. I wonder how often you google yourself, Sean Carey, Sean Carey.

You can just barely see him here at about 1:13. At least I think that’s him. Give them another chance, Madison. They’re playing your town next Friday. Only $10.

Oh, and the hat. My second floppiest. Penultimate flop.

Floppy hat

I do still have more winter hats to share, but I couldn’t bring myself to put one on since it was 100% spring today.

Who would I do and a hat #5.

29 Nov

I lost my camera battery two weeks ago because I am less responsible when I’m wearing a mustache. I’m going to have to limp along here until I invest in either a new battery or a new camera.


I bought this hat after a job interview for a job I didn’t get. It’s an appropriate one to paint rather than photograph because I can’t find it, but that’s what it looks like. That’s not really what I look like. That looks like Frodo Baggins. Also pictured is my dead camera.

Now that that’s out of the way, who would I do?


Andrew Bird. I tried to aim a little higher this time because my choices have been disturbing people. He’s a mean whistler. And I hear he has a big phonograph.

Who would I do and a hat #4.

18 Nov

Fourth installment of who would I do and a hat.

First, a bucket hat.


I think this hat is a little bit The Hamburgler, but my nephew L. said it made me look French and I won’t argue.

And now, who would I do?


Ted Levine, aka Captain Leland Stottlemeyer from Monk. I think it’s the mustache. And his deep mumbly voice. Here he is talking about what it would be like if we met at a bar. That is unfortunate.

Who would I do and a hat #3.

14 Nov

The third installment of who would I do and a hat.

The hat.


This one is best for snowball fights. The classy scarf is a new Target purchase.

Who would I do?


Bill Withers, circa 1972. Any man who can rock a turtleneck can rock me, too. Here he is singing Ain’t No Sunshine (caution: clicking that link will melt your insides).