Jobonga, Loved by Some, Dead at 63

4 Dec

This Tuesday’s essay topic:

“Write your obituary. You die in 36 1/2 years from now.”

On June 1st, 2044, Jobonga died after choking on a carrot at David Sedaris’ America: No Longer Embarrassing! party in Paris. Her death overshadowed an otherwise happy and internationally noteworthy day: the French officially forgave America for all that shit she pulled 36 years ago. It’s a well-known fact that Jobonga had a fear of choking to death in a room full of people who thought she was just laughing, but friends say she also understood the importance of facing one’s fears, as evidenced by the fact that she voluntarily rode in cars driven by The Cheese Rind and The Moderatilist.

Though mainly known for her wildly successful writing career, Jobonga also kicked ass everyday as a digital librarian. Unfortunately she died just a few years short of retirement, but she probably did not mind as she held the record for having the sweetest job in history. Her first job title was Information Ninja and her final title, Information is my Bitch and Lackeys Bring Me Coffee, has been retired in her honor. She is credited for making command-line computing sexy again.

Even before her successful careers, she became a household name at 28 after finding a large suitcase full of money under her bed which she was allowed to keep. When asked how 20 million dollars would change her life, she said, “I don’t think it will because I am so fulfilled already. But I do plan to ramp up my online-shopping and get a new puppy.”

Most athletes peak in their late teens and twenties, but not Jobonga – a truly made, rather than a born, athlete. She became relatively better and better as peers in her age group gave up. At 37, she won Olympic gold for the biathalon, the event that combines cross-country skiing with riflery. Other sports she dominated late in life: rowing, triathalons, megamarathons, and beach volleyball.

At this point, one can only speculate on her regrets, but based on what we know, the following would be listed among them: never seeing Prince, Neil Diamond, and Bruce Springsteen on stage at the same time; not living to celebrate her 1/23/45 birthday next year; Ry Cooder dying before she could get him to sing her eulogy. She was pretty witchy towards the end, but friends will always remember how hot her ass looked in pants for a 63-year old. A viking-burial/dance party will be held on the shores of Lake Ontario next Thursday evening. All willing to shake it are welcome.

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One Response to “Jobonga, Loved by Some, Dead at 63”

  1. wb 12/5/07 at 12:20 am #

    I cannot wait until your 1/23/45 birthday. I’ve never been so excited about something so far away before. You sort of just ruined my next 36 1/2 years. You can make it up to me by shaking it with me on the shores of Lake Ontario sometime before then.

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