Planet Jobonga

14 Nov

I present my Tuesday Essay. The topic, if you haven’t been following along:

What would the world be like if it was only populated by people exactly like you for the last 2 million years? (Social norms, architecture, advances in science, economics, the angles are endless.) Creationists may start with Adam/Eve if they insist on being ridiculous.

Unfortunately, life is harsh on Planet Jobonga. While its people are highly creative, we don’t carry out our ideas well because we never quite master the details. Consequently, most Jobongans toil at subsistence farming. We mastered the wheel long ago but our axels could use some work. Fire seems like something worth figuring out, but why not just keep feeding this flame right here that’s been going for 300,000 years? Our health care is pretty atrocious because mucous, the digestive process, and ear wax? That shit is gross.

Even though we could really use the protein, we are not omnivores. Our love and respect for the abundant animals on our planet hinders our success as a species. No creature suffers pain or hunger when a Jobongan is near except maybe another Jobongan. Dogs and chickens are domesticated because we couldn’t resist, the rest we admire from afar.

The stress of hard living has led to some very necessary outlets that all Jobongans enjoy: ultimate fighting, turning everything into a race, dancing, eating, drinking, and napping with puppies. All of these activities can be used to resolve conflict, as most wars are passive aggressive and undeclared. In the event of an actual war, we fight with snowballs, clubs, and fists. We are a happy, moody people in spite of our short, brutal lives. Once we recover our numbers from the last plague, we will have more time to do what we love most: write and read books, cultivate and discuss wool technology, and inhabit boats.

Why you wish you could live there:

We taught dogs to talk. It turns out you just have to spend a lot of time with them. Running a mile in under 7 minutes is Olympic gold. Our pancakes taste better. We spend time in trees – over time our very long toes became ultra-prehensile. There’s no such thing as small talk. No one tries to make you dance when you just want to sit with your beer. No automatic flush toilets. Good napping is applauded and encouraged. Everyone dies in a method and on a day of their choosing. When I am ready, I will be chased by a mountain lion but just before it catches me, I will jump from a cliff to my death. I know, what a way to go!

Why you might be glad you don’t in addition to short life expectancy:

I have to be honest. There are a few developments on this earth that blow my mind: the construction of underground sewers, the refinement of fossil fuels, very large boats, planes of any size, the discovery of electrons, the mining of precious metals, microscopes, an efficient postal service, turning wheat into flour, gymnastics, cartography, theology. We do not have these things on Planet Jobonga. There’s just no way we could come up with that shit on our own.

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2 Responses to “Planet Jobonga”

  1. sister katie 11/14/07 at 10:08 am #

    I love your planet. You left out how they slow down when trying to speed up.

    I think my planet would have more improvement projects that never get finished, as well as some swiss-family-robinson style irrigation systems. And we would have definately figures out how to make puff pastry and cultivate cacoa.

  2. KATIE 11/14/07 at 11:26 am #

    If you’re in the mood for a holiday, check out Planet Schmatie. You’d fit in —

    1. Everyone is at least 5’10
    2. The Gap never stops making “Straight Fit, Bootcut, Long Jeans”
    3. Listing the Da Vinci Code as a favorite book is grounds for exhile
    4. Tacos are NOT limited to Tuesdays
    5. Preferred mode of transportation — the booze cruise

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